Lately people keep telling me that I’ve just gotta master the art of ‘bull shitting’ in order to convince people that I can do something and I’ll be ok. Apparently doing a dancing exam- as long as you look confident in what you’re doing you’ll get a good mark, and in tutoring a group of university students- as long as you can convince them that you’re knowledgeable in an area, they’ll believe you.
See…I sort of have a problem with this idea. Firstly, all my life I have wanted to be ‘good at’ what I do. The mini-me on my shoulder weilding the whip certainly always instills that in me anyway. So as a consequence…I’m not the best when it comes to faking something. I have no such thing as a poker face…and if I’m out of my depth I do a good job at showing it. Standing in front of my class this morning being asked a question that a) I didn’t understand one of the words they used and b) I wouldn’t have known where to begin in answering it, I felt completely out of my depth and like a failure. Except the thing is that I have studied these topics before, and I had read the readings before class, so it got me thinking- all those tutors I looked up to as ‘experts’- were they faking it? Or just simply smart?
With dancing it seems that sometimes I feel that I look more awkward than a 5 year old who needs desperately to go to the toilet and is standing on one leg, yet my teacher might say ‘that was graceful’. Other times I can be channelling Strictly Ballroom and imagine myself in some feathery fluoro outfit out on a dance floor, and my teacher will have nothing but ‘hmm…straighten your legs, turn out your feet and head up’.
It’s one of those things in life that drives me crazy…and leaves me craving feedback to the point that it’s not longer healthy. If I asked all of my students about whether they gelled with my tutoring style or understood what I was saying, I’d probably be too scared to stand up in front of them ever again. Perhaps I’m just lacking confidence, or maybe tutoring isn’t my thing. But I want so much to be good at it! *sigh*.
Geoff said,
April 2, 2009 @ 3:56 am
I could be wrong here Ruthie, but I think that lots of the time you’re a lot better at things than you actually believe. So when people are telling you that all you need to get through is make it look like you’re talking about, they’re often just wanting to make sure that your lack of confidence in your own abilities is what might actually get in the way of you getting the acknowledgement you’re looking for.
Paul said,
April 10, 2009 @ 11:21 am
I’ve always found that on the odd occasion where I want some kind of tick of approval that little-bit-too-much, it doesn’t matter how encouraging or affirming someone is – I don’t believe them anyway.
Sounds like the locus of control discussion all over again actually.