Archive for Faith

A greedy God

April 22, 2009 · Filed under Faith, Social Health stuff

I’ve been at soul survivor recently. This year was my 8th year in a row! It’s amazing to look back and see how things have changed personally, and also with the festival over those 8 years. So many big changes in my life have been due to a catalyst event or experience at Soul, so I have a lot of good and difficult memories associated with festivals past. It’s a bit shameful to admit that this year was my first year that I was not simply a passive receiver of all that went on. I helped out in Revive- one of the food venues. This in itself is significant.

I desperately desire to have the gift of hospitality and serving. I find it however, like pulling teeth that will not budge. Being in a situation where I am serving food and drinks, needing to be friendly to random strangers and friends alike as well as being under time pressure tends to cause a brain melting sensation. I involuntarily slow down all mentally functioning capabilties and seem to be able to focus solely on one small task at a time. Those who worked with me in Revive are probably having light bulbs go off in their head at this moment…as they’ve realised why it was I turned into a different person behind the kitchen bench! There was however one evening when I felt released a little bit from this paralysis, and went to the other extreme of dancing and singing in the kitchen while serving people. I haven’t had that much fun in a very long time! But yes…sadly for the majority of the time, hospitality is not something that comes easily to me no matter how much I crave to be good at it.

So, this year’s soul was very different to any other. I don’t regret at all helping out, but it did mean that I wasn’t able to participate as fully as I’m used to in the seminars and main sessions. In a funny way this took away some of the unconscious pressure I put on myself to have mega life changing realisations and experiences during the camp. Instead, I was there with a purpose and any subsequent personal experiences were just that…they were additional unexpected things. I was fortunate enough to be able to have some time off to get to two of Stephen Said’s seminars. If I’d known what I’d learn in one short hour each time I walked in I think I wouldn’t armed my head with padding for all the brain knocking-about I was going to receive.

I don’t want to give any of the glory that God deserves to some mere human being…but I must say just how much I really gelled with the respect the way this guy’s mind works. Coming from a health sociology background myself it was incredibly exciting to have someone explain some of the most taken for granted and mis-used Biblical texts from a sociopolitical viewpoint. It was just WOW. Passages I’d read hundreds of times took on completely new and fantastically relevant meanings! I spoke to a pastor at my church who I have tremendous respect for about these ideas, and asked him just where could I get the version of the Bible that Steve has?!!! As I suspected…it does take a few years of Bible college to get that sort of in depth knowledge, but I’m planning on starting with some good commentaries first to build my way up (I also currently don’t have the funds to launch into any sort of Bible college activities yet *sigh* but one day!). One thing this pastor from church told me was how as exciting as it can be to analyse the political context of every verse in the Bible, it is vital not to let this take away from the penetrating elements of God’s grace and mercy etc etc. Which I understand and respect. But to know that there is more than just that, and to know that I can actually marry my love of sociology with reading the Bible without fear of being condemned (I don’t know where this idea in my head came from…but it was there and I didn’t even know it) is a very freeing feeling!

So as well as the amazing intellectual stimulation I received in those two short hours at Soul, it also penetrated through to my heart a little. One thing that Steve said (haha…a pun over used I’m quite convinced…but haha worthy anyway), was that God doesn’t just want our sacrifice. He wants our obedience. Oh and how different are those two things!! Whoa that was a wake-up call. Another thing that was spoken about was how even though we are saved by faith and not by works, we will be judged by how we respond the widows, the orphans and the poor. Suddenly my ‘vocation’ becomes a lot more meaningful and purposeful. I study the impact of inequitable Government policies on single parents (some of whom are widows…but all of whom pretty much are in poverty), and to think that I could actually contribute my little ‘bit’ to the Kingdom of God through my work is a very exciting concept. This concept is certainly not new to me; one of the main reasons why I’m heading where I’m heading in my line of work is because I passionately feel that there is a need and an issue that I want to bring change to. However having the reminder couldn’t have come at a better time when I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless at what I’m doing for work. I still don’t feel good enough…and perhaps I never will. But knowing that I’m at least trying to be obedient to what God might want me to be doing is enough to keep me plodding through the dish-pig academic jobs for now.

All this has also given me some inspiration for a possible Phd. The very vague, out-there, potentially completely crazy idea that I could somehow combine this notion of the sociology of poverty in Jesus’ time to how it’s perceived/constructed today. It gives me shivers just to type that. Whether something so idealistic could ever be pulled off doesn’t particularly bother me so much at the moment though…as I’m content to be kicking little goals in this general direction for…well forever really.

I’ve realised as I finish this post that my title really has little to do with my content. But in a way…it’s simply representative of what God’s teaching me at the moment. That he’s greedy, and wants more from me than I’m ever willing to give him at any given time. But despite my pride, gluttony and selfishness…he still holds his hand out asking for more. And I love that about Him.

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The grass is greener, but just as hard to mow

October 7, 2008 · Filed under Faith, I'm avoiding study..., Not happy Jan (it deserves its own category), Over-analysis, Random, Uni stuff

It is now day 4 in a row of unproductive days. Not completely unproductive…but I don’t feel as though I have enough to show for what I’ve been doing. I have to present my findings in 3 days. THREE DAYS. Oh it’s painful. Painfully painful! All I want to do is dance (oh…that reminds me I’ll have to post on my nomination for the ‘logies’ of dancing soon- what a joke)…but yes because of course that’s going to lead to the career of my dreams! It’s typical though…at this time it’s usual for the most abstract of things to start taking over my brain and convincing me that they’re the most important things I should be thinking of right at this minute…as compared to writing a thesis.

I lay awake in bed last night for 3 whole hours- THREE long, agonising hours- before I got to sleep and in the end only managed about 4 hours shuteye, and the night before that I slept for 13 hours straight without waking once- much to my disgust. This is unusual!! Not only are sleeping patterns up the creek…but I no longer like food. Vegemite toast and extra salted peanuts can at times be forced down, but otherwise it doesn’t take much more than a spoonful of breakfast cereal to remind me that the digestive system has a wonderful feature called regurgitation. Lovely.

I feel like I’m being tempted in the desert. No I’m not likening myself to Jesus…I just empathise with him right now. He had a big job to do and all these enticing things were there for the picking, but he abstained. Well I wish I could say I was as noble, holy and able to ignore the lure of the grass on the other side. My defenses are weak at the moment- I can tell. The idea of things that usually seem absurd are all of a sudden ‘not so bad- surely?’. *sigh*

Oh great! Chainsaws have started singing their sweet tune next door. Perfect study noise.

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the young and the restless

September 3, 2008 · Filed under Faith, People I love, Young Adults

I don’t feel entirely qualified to write about youth ministry issues. However I have been in youth groups and I’ve also had a ‘taste’ of running some young adults groups. So there’s my little disclaimer… ;)

There are so many issues involved in the category of ‘Christian young adults’ in general as it’s an age bracket where just so much is going on in life. It encompasses everything from leaving school, choosing career paths, going to uni, working, possibly leaving home, forming closer relationships, potential for marriage and the list goes on. It’s a time when the identity gets dragged through the super fast spin cycle and often finds itself wrung out to dry and feeling a little worse for wear.

It’s also a time when ideas and opinions of the world in which we live can be tried, tested, challenged and changed. Entering ‘adulthood’ can almost be just as traumatic as going through *shudders* puberty. Not only do we experience pressures from the inside, but outward expectations for us to change as well. It’s all of a sudden not appropriate to ‘grunt’ at people or slam doors when something or someone upsets us- we’re adults and it’s time we learnt to communicate our thoughts and feelings with a tad more maturity.

So… with all this in mind- how then do we support young adults in church? It’s such a tricky one. Firstly, not every person in their 20’s has the common denominator of still attending highschool. While some in their 20’s may become youth leaders themselves and start to support the teenagers in church, others may be having children of their own! Many will get the travel bug, others will decide to live at uni *cough*. And sadly, it seems to be a time when statistically young adults ‘make or break’ their commitment to church or even their faith. So how on earth do you support this important group of people in church? Because they’re now ‘adults’ themselves do they simply not require leadership as a high school youth group does? I believe that any age group requires role models and leaders- even in and amongst themselves- to encourage them along whatever stage of life they’re at.

I’m not suggesting that an older ‘youth group’ where we all go bowling or play mini-golf every Friday night would work. Firstly, for some reason being of this age comes with the job description of being a commitment-phobe, and secondly while these kinds of activities with friends are fun and there’s nothing wrong with them- it’s not exactly accommodating for some of the tougher real-life issues that young adults are grappling with. And while we all may not fit into clearly defined groups- this doesn’t mean that we don’t need to stick together and support each other, all the while being supported by others.

I don’t propose any solutions. As suggesting that there are solutions is short-sighted and naive in itself. All I will say is that young adults are a group who need just as much support, love, good examples and encouragement as teenagers do. I hate the cliche but they are the ‘next generation’ and if we don’t invest in them, how can we expect them to emulate our actions when their own kids come along? Bear in mind I’m a young adult myself…and on the younger end of the scale at that. So I’m aware that that last sentence could make me sound like I’m speaking from a much older and more ‘detached’ generation. But you don’t need to be ‘old’ to realise the importance of encouraging those younger than you.

Hmm…I didn’t intend to write such a long post. And I haven’t scratched the surface of what’s going on my mind in relation to these issues. But that’s ok- because it’s an ongoing, never-ending discussion :)

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The apple of my eye

September 1, 2008 · Filed under Faith, Music

I’ve been thinking today about music and in particular worship music. I love music. I have music playing a lot of the time- quietly when I’m studying, loudly when I’m getting ready in the morning, love some funky beats when I’m driving (and dancing- although I don’t do both at the same time too well). So yeah basically I love music.

But when it comes to worship music I seem to have different experiences/feelings towards it. Sadly, I find that sometimes there’s more worshiping going on in secular music than there is in Christian music. It’s almost as if worship music has become about ‘us’ and ‘me’ and making ‘me’ feel good, whereas much of secular music is about worshiping the opposite sex. Think about it- here are some lyrics from random songs I can think of off the top of my head: ‘these words are my own, from my heart I sing ‘I love you I love you I love you’. And another song: ‘I was lost before I found you, you make me whole inside’. Now…which is the secular and which is the non-secular? The thing is that both of them could be either.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not suggesting that worship doesn’t involve singing love songs to God. But if you take out God’s name and many Biblical concepts from much of today’s worship music, I think there’s a danger of our worship becoming a little empty and God-less, all the while becoming more about ‘us’.

I grew up in a little Anglican church where aside from in Sunday School we only ever sang hymns. It was painfully boring after a while. However now that I feel ‘older and wiser’ I’m able to read over the words of those hymns and see that perhaps they had a point there that I was missing out on. Most hymns simply take chunks of text from the Bible and put it to music. How much more genuine could we be with our worship through song? And no I don’t want to only ever sing hymns in church for the rest of my life thankyou! But there’s truth and power in the fact that we can use David’s Psalms written generations upon generations ago and worship a God who was just as real then and He is real now.

I’ll finish up with the lyrics of a hymn that I happen to love. I’m aware that it’s not super popular because it’s a tad hard to sing…but that’s not the point! When I sing this song I’m not confused about who I’m singing it to.

As the deer pants for the water
So my soul longs after you
You alone are my heart’s desire
And I long to worship you

You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone will my spirit yield
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship you

I want you more than gold or silver
Only you can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye

You’re my friend and you are my Father
Even though you are my King
I love you more than any other
So much more than anything

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Living Sacrifices

August 10, 2008 · Filed under Faith

I had a bit of an ‘ah ha!’ moment in church this morning. There are verses that you hear a lot and it’s easy to develop understandings regarding them without really thinking too much. One of these verses that I could easily quote but don’t really question is; ‘Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.’ (Romans 12: 1-3). My oldest memory of this verse was from youth group days when a friend told another friend that she shouldn’t smoke because her body was a living sacrifice to God, and that she was therefore polluting what was meant for God. And not that there isn’t any truth in this interpretation, but I think there’s a little more to it. Some of which seemed to finally sink in today.

The topic of this morning’s sermon was about making sacrifices for mission and the verse was used to describe how the way we live and the choices we make should be sacrificed to follow Jesus’ example rather than the ways of the world. It struck a chord with me and the hype of consumerism and individualism. Jesus showed us how to focus on the needs of others, whereas the world constantly screams at us ’save yourself!’ ‘look after yourself!’ ’satisfy yourself!’. And while it would be illogical to suggest we should all stop buying anything and stop looking after ourselves, there is some challenging truth in the notion of taking the focus off ‘you’ and looking around a bit at those around us who possibly aren’t so well off.

It’s certainly caused me to ponder a little more deeply about what it is that most of my time goes into (ahem…facebook perhaps? Navel gazing?), and what I could sacrifice to put time into something more worthwhile for God. Hmm…a good thought to start the new week with.

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Pleasantville was in fact, quite pleasant

August 5, 2008 · Filed under Faith, Movies

I watched the film ‘Pleasantville’ on Saturday night with some friends. I really enjoyed it. It was quite long, but it was necessary to be able to see each character grow and evolve throughout the story. From the brief bit of info about it on the back of the dvd cover I was half expecting something similar to the Stepford Wives, which i did enjoy, but I got a lot more out of Pleasantville.

One of the main aspects of the movie (which was oh so cleverly done by the makers) was the use of black and white as well as colour. All of the people in this town were in black and white- and it wasn’t until their eyes were opened to what sort of emotions and experiences might actually exist outside of their little ‘pleasant’ town and mindsets that they experienced this new/wonderful/challenging/terrible thing- colour. Some were fearful of the colours and did everything in their power to ’stop it spreading’, some were very ashamed of them and tried to hide their new found colours away while others embraced the changes and jumped at the opportunity to experience something different.

Through all this one thing stood out to me- they didn’t know any different before they were exposed to these colours. As well as this, those who developed these colours couldn’t then go back to black and white. There are numerous possible interpretations and constructions to be made from this, but to me it says something of God. We often have such a black and white existence. While everything may not always be ‘pleasant’ like it was in Pleasantville, our experiences are determined by what we can see and feel and what we think we know. Whereas God sees everything in all it’s beauty and colour in ways that we simply cannot comprehend, and the existance of God in our lives means that nothing will ever be the same again.

It’s important to note also that the people of Pleasantville didn’t only experience the transition from black and white to colour through happy and ‘pleasant’ experiences. It was also when they allowed themselves to experience anger, frustration, love, betrayal, desires for physical affection and the list goes on. These things also related to when the people challenged norms- gender norms, class norms, ageist norms, sexual norms. It was as people grew and were challenged in all areas of their lives that the colour moved in. God’s ‘colour’ doesn’t just reveal itself when we’re experiencing happiness and satisfaction. He infiltrates every human emotion possible. And when we see glimpes of it we realise just how black and white our existance really is.

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Stained glass windows

August 3, 2008 · Filed under Faith

I went to my old old church yesterday. It was mum’s turn to clean it but she was out and had forgotten so asked me to go up and give it a quick sweep and dust. I begrudgingly agreed. I didn’t like the though of being there alone. I drove up, parked my car and after much twisting and turning I finally got the key to work in the door. The smell hit me first. Not a bad smell…but one that brought back memories. As I peered in through the vestry entrance it seemed much smaller. I guess now that I’m used to going to church in a room about 20 times the size it would seem a little small! It struck me just how much wood there was. The pews, the railing, the alter, the organ, the window frames, the doors as well as the big wooden ceiling. It was all wooden. And beautiful.

I set about dusting and sweeping but after a while I sat in one of the pews because, well because I just felt drawn to. I spent 18 years worth of Sundays sitting in those pews. First thing I noticed was the discomfort. They’ve been designed with this bit of wood in the worst place- it gets you right in the middle of your back so you can’t sit comfortably. I remember either slumping forward or sitting back awkwardly and getting restless easily during sermons. Not so much because they were boring (although some of course were…many were when I didn’t really understand what it was I was listening to) but more because I could never sit comfortably. The pews were filled with these cushions (more square blocks that had detailed embroidery all over the covers) that people used to kneel on. Remembering all the dear old adopted grandmothers who put hours into making them made me feel loved. It reminded me about how interested all of my church family was in how I was going each week. They were proud of all my achievements and although at the time I didn’t think much about their love and care, it means something to me now.

Looking up towards the rail, the long velvet red communion cushion, the alter and the big stained glass window at the front of the church brought back a few memories. My good friend’s mum getting married- the only wedding I ever went to at the church (it was incredibly rare for people to get married there). I also remember my confirmation service. Ten years ago now I stood up there and said things I believed in with all my heart. Despite the fact that people thought I was young to be doing such a thing- I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so firm in my faith. It was not a hugely spiritual experience as I wasn’t too familiar with the Holy Spirit at this stage- but the importance of it to me lay in the fact that I was publically declaring that this Jesus thing was important to me and I wanted to devote my whole life to it. It wasn’t a conversion moment- I’ve been a christian as long as I can remember. It was just significant to me.

Sitting there thinking and chatting to God about stuff also brought up a lot of pain. It left me wondering where God was all those times in that little church. Did he feel at home in that place? To me it seems like it’s so old. Like God may have kind of moved on from there. But I know he hasn’t and I know that he’s shaken the foundations of that place up a lot. There are some inspiring and faithful people who sit in those uncomfortable pews every week and meet with God in a special way. It made me feel a little more at peace about my own faith. And in a funny way- it sure made me miss those beautiful old hymns. In times past I would’ve done anything to never sing them again. But now if I ever get the chance to sing some of them I get tears to my eyes instantly. It’s a shame really that the hours spent in that little church have only really become significant since I’ve left. But that little church feels like a little chunk of wood in my heart that can never be removed. It sits there and reminds me of things and it’s good. Although it’s no longer my home church, it will always have a bit part to play in my life and sitting there yesterday- as uncomfortable as I felt with that jolly bit of wood in my back- I felt comfortable and ok with what happened when I was there and what’s happened since.

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wait for the sunshine

July 30, 2008 · Filed under Faith, Random

Lately I keep falling into the unconscious habit of pondering ‘big’ life things at the most inappropriate and unhelpful times. I’ve identified two such times when I seem to do this most (there are numerous others…but these seem relevant right now).

1. When I’m sick. I currently have some kind of virus/headcold things. Which in my mind is one of the worst kinds- you feel as though you’ve been hit by a truck and yet you have nothing to show for it. You go to the doctors hoping to come out being able to proclaim that you have some exotic disease to show for your pain and suffering…but no. “Bed rest and keep the fluids up”. Anyway that is not my point. My point is that during these times (or any times of ill-health) it seems to be easier to over-dramatise bad situations and one can easily think things are worse than they really are. Example a) you wake up feeling like your throat has been cut and accidentally pour juice into your bowl of milk and cereal because you think it’s your empty glass. Annoying, yes. Reason for tears? No. A sign that perhaps you are a bit under the weather? Yes. Justification for having a panic attack that you’re losing your vision? No!

2. Late at night. I liken the hours of 12-4am to having a high Blood Alcohol reading. Honestly. The smallest of life’s issues can be on my mind at around this time and they can turn catastrophic. Yet after a small amount of shut eye and the existence of a new dawn, I often wake up wondering whether the angst from the previous hours really had been because I’d had too much of something. It’s not that I consciously try to choose this time of day to solve the world’s problems…but it usually turns out that way. For example I had a rough night babysitting last week and I came home late and stayed awake for hours trying to decide then and there whether or not I really thought I could handle having children one day. Why is it we try to make such decisions under these circumstances?

All of these things seem so obvious now…but it doesn’t stop me from doing it again. I wonder how this can relate to the way we perceive God? I’m not perfect and often I have these down moments. However God is never up and down- he is constantly consistent (hehe I like that). So maybe…just maybe…when I’m feeling despair/sickness/tiredness etc and I’m doubting God’s existence or goodness…perhaps that’s a good time to go to bed and wait for the sunshine to come back.

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A time for change…

July 27, 2008 · Filed under Faith

I’ve recently made the move from a small church of around 30 people to…well a much bigger church. I was very hesitant at first. It’s scary walking into a room full of people you don’t really know at all apart from maybe recognising friends of friends, wondering whether you have a place there or not. And even scarier making the decision to keep walking into that room once a week until it starts to feel ok. I love my old church dearly and the people there will forever remain extended aunts/uncles and mentors in my life. I’ve been journeying with them for the past 5 or so years and so it was a difficult move to make. But I also knew it was time for a change and a new season in my life.

In my experiences so far I’ve been brought up in one church, and moved into another with existing friends and family when it started. So for me to make a move to a new church on my own has been a bit of a step-up in my faith. My faith has always been my own- but now it’s more exposed and vulnerable. I don’t have the option of slipping back into comfy familiarity when I get tested. I was feeling for a while that it was time to be stretched.

So far it’s been a wondrous journey. The new people I’m meeting are inspiring, welcoming and accepting. Which has been awesome. A huge aspect to making a fresh start is the ability to meet new people who don’t know me from a bar of soap and in funny ways it creates opportunities for closure- which are healthy and necessary in life. I’m stupidly disappointed that moving churches hasn’t automatically resulted in all of my faith issues being solved. But I was reminded today that one should never be content in their faith. Which is obvious and completely logical to me…but I do wish that I could just once feel a little on top of things rather than always lagging behind where it is I want to be in my relationship with God and how I’m living that out.

I’ve been needing to write about this stuff and try to make sense of this transition phase I’m in. It’s feeling good.

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keeping it comfy

July 21, 2008 · Filed under Faith

Living out this christian thing gets to me sometimes. Well…a lot. At an age where everything is changing and big decisions are being made and in a culture where you’ve gotta live for today because there’s no guarantee of security tomorrow, fitting God into the picture can prove interesting. Put on top of all that the important issue of living as a witness to others, and you’ve got some ingredients for a mean identity crisis.

How should one go about encouraging those around them to take up the example of Jesus in their lives in a non-threatening, non-awkward and non-friendship straining way? Is it possible? Should it be possible? I’m beginning to think that the more I try to fence sit and try not to cause discomfort when discussing my faith with others, the less convinced I sound that I even believe in what I’m saying.

Sadly I notice (especially in myself) an attitude of ‘well what’s the point?’. Life could be so much easier if I kept this little light of mine inside a jar and kept the lid on. Thanks to Jennie Flack and her super intelligent scientifically proven theory however, this doesn’t work for long. Not only will my little light be starved of oxygen and go out, but carrying around a jar and not doing anything with it seems kinda pointless so after a while I’d probably be inclined to put it down somewhere with the intention of picking it up down the track.

Believe it or not, I have a passion for encouraging other christian young adults. But laying things bare- this is where I’m at at the moment. Somewhere along the lines something clicked slightly out of place and since then I’ve been struggling to see straight out of my metaphorical ‘how I perceive God and his place for me in the world’ glasses.

Hmm….a rather depressing post with no happy ending. I don’t have any answers at the moment though. But that’s life hey?!

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