vele gedachten

Had coffee with a friend today. Well actually, to be precise I had a lovely chai tea and a piece of dark chocolate Lindt tart. Yes…it was incredible. No…I couldn’t finish it *sighs in disappointment*.

I’m very thankful for the chat we had. It was incredibly intellectually stimulating- which is just the kind of coffee conversation I like. One particular thought that has stuck with me is the idea of how sometimes we relate to God as a male. I can definitely see some fatherly aspects in God’s character…but I struggle with this concept because it puts so much undue pressure on my earthly father to eminate these characteristics. I wish there was more dialogue and inturn further discourse created around the ‘motherly’ characteristics of God. Because to be honest…I relate to these characterestics more easily. And it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this and let myself think this way…as I know that it’s breaking the mould slightly and putting myself out there as some ‘weird feminist’. All the same, I’m allowing myself to be open to explore this concept more.

Chatting today also reminded me of how much I miss writing and preparing sermons. Having moved to a much bigger church I haven’t had the opportunity to get involved in preaching or any teaching. I feel almost a bit deadened or numb to it- I don’t seem to get inspiration for random sermon topics in the shower anymore. I wonder if it was a season that’s simply ended…or just lying dormant.

Either way, got lots to think about!

The scene in Love Actually where this quote is heard makes me very sad indeed. And quite nauseous at the same time- not in the ‘it’s so corny I might be sick’ way, but in the ‘gosh that makes my gut ache from the inside out’ way.

The last few times I’ve caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I have not recognised myself. I see a different person compared to who I feel I am at the moment. It’s scary and unnerving.

I’m not sure if it is because I’ve been sick, or from my very odd reaction to taking sudafed last night, or because I’m sprinting full speed towards something that jolly well does not, can not and will not ever exist.

It is not well with my soul.

Lately people keep telling me that I’ve just gotta master the art of ‘bull shitting’ in order to convince people that I can do something and I’ll be ok. Apparently doing a dancing exam- as long as you look confident in what you’re doing you’ll get a good mark, and in tutoring a group of university students- as long as you can convince them that you’re knowledgeable in an area, they’ll believe you.

See…I sort of have a problem with this idea. Firstly, all my life I have wanted to be ‘good at’ what I do. The mini-me on my shoulder weilding the whip certainly always instills that in me anyway. So as a consequence…I’m not the best when it comes to faking something. I have no such thing as a poker face…and if I’m out of my depth I do a good job at showing it. Standing in front of my class this morning being asked a question that a) I didn’t understand one of the words they used and b) I wouldn’t have known where to begin in answering it, I felt completely out of my depth and like a failure. Except the thing is that I have studied these topics before, and I had read the readings before class, so it got me thinking- all those tutors I looked up to as ‘experts’- were they faking it? Or just simply smart?

With dancing it seems that sometimes I feel that I look more awkward than a 5 year old who needs desperately to go to the toilet and is standing on one leg, yet my teacher might say ‘that was graceful’. Other times I can be channelling Strictly Ballroom and imagine myself in some feathery fluoro outfit out on a dance floor, and my teacher will have nothing but ‘hmm…straighten your legs, turn out your feet and head up’.

It’s one of those things in life that drives me crazy…and leaves me craving feedback to the point that it’s not longer healthy. If I asked all of my students about whether they gelled with my tutoring style or understood what I was saying, I’d probably be too scared to stand up in front of them ever again. Perhaps I’m just lacking confidence, or maybe tutoring isn’t my thing. But I want so much to be good at it! *sigh*.

It’s still bothering me, which is bothering me in itself. You meet one random person once and never see them again, but they do something to you- something unexplainable- that keeps you thinking about them for weeks afterwards. This never happens to me! And if it happens to someone else my level of understanding or sympathy is usually quite low. The context doesn’t help to support my case either- it’s hardly anything life changing to meet someone at a gig. But regardless of all the jokes and reasoning like ‘of course you meet and talk to random people at gigs- it means nothing’, it did mean something to me. And still does for that matter!! *sigh*…when something is lodged in my brain it generally takes some time to work it’s way out. This one’s taking it’s time to budge. I’m sure I’ll be laughing about it in time…but for now I’m still keeping my eyes out on buses and trains.

I saw the movie ghost town the other night and it was fantastic. Loved it. A song from the movie that I later went and googled the lyrics of was ‘heart of life’ by John Mayer and I’ve had it on repeat in my office at work today. I recommend you listen to it

Today my brother proposed to his girlfriend, so my little family is growing another member. Although I spose it’s not really official yet…but it feels different anyway.

I haven’t left the house today. Not once. My lungs must be crying out for some fresh air. But it’s now 1.30 am…hardly an appropriate time to go for a stroll. I’ve been sick for two weeks now and it’s really taking its toll on my body clock.

This week is going to be super busy. Starting a new job- helping to write some chapters of the yr 12 health and human development text book. Which should be fun. It’s the kind of thing I’ve aspired to do…and now that I’m actually doing it it’s like ‘oh yeah…that thing’. Well I shouldn’t talk it up more than it really is. My name won’t go on it- even though I’ll be collecting the information and summarising it. The person who puts it together will be the only known author as far as anyone is concerned. Kinda disappointing really…maybe it’ll be me one day. Who knows. But yeah the odd thing is that it suddenly doesn’t seem as much of a success marker as I used to make such things out to be.

I’ve just had a friend over and we were discussing male/female relationships. As usual with us…it turned into a bit of a ‘men suck’ rant. But the sad thing is that I’ve just grown so tired recently of the issue being constantly in my face. I either want to be content and partnered or content and single. None of this in between messiness. None of this always feeling the need to be surveying the field. It’s doing my head in. And making me feel like something I’m not- I’ve never let the existence of the opposite sex get under my skin so much anyway. There. That’s how I feel. Sick of it!

I saw someone at work the other day with a t.shirt that read ‘I make friends offline’. I love it! I almost went up to him and commented…but thought that was silly so I didn’t. I’d like to think I make my friends offline too…although I realise the possibility for deepening some friendships to an extent through an online medium. Either way- I was impressed.

I’ve been so devoid of human contact today. I feel quite unfulfilled…and that’s unusual. I usually go through the day content and happy with my own company. But not today. Maybe cos I’ve been sick and stuck inside it’s been deafeningly obvious that I’m lonely and want company. *pfft*- pity party for one!

My peace lily is flowering. Goodnight.

I once had a blog some years ago now- after a while I decided to get rid of it because I found it a little too self-absorbing writing about my own thoughts all the time. So why have I picked up the virtual pen again? Not too sure why to be honest. A few immediate reasons spring to mind: my vocabulary has gone down the drain so I want to practice writing again, I’m currently at a loose end in my studies waiting for things to happen and finally some new friends of mine seem to blog quite often so I guess I should give it a try to see what all the rage is!

My old blog was called ‘thegreenbook’ after my trusty old journal that I write in sometimes. However for some reason I can’t use that name anymore, so I unashamedly went onto good old Babelfish and translated boring english words into cool languages like French and Portuguese to see what I came up with. The only language other than English that I speak is Japanese, but I figured I’d keep it simple using the normal alphabet. So…that’s where vele gedachten comes from. It’s actually Dutch for ‘many thoughts’, which to me, sums up the usual happenings inside my head

To know a little about me and what I’m up to in life- I’m currently 21, living up in beautiful Olinda (as well as Mt.Waverley- more later on that) and I’m studying doing Honours in Health Sciences. I anticipate much of the stuff I write about will relate to what I’m studying basically because it’s at the forefront of my ‘vele gedachten’ and I’m also pretty passionate about it!

Well that’s it for now. I’ll write again soon