I’m very thankful for the chat we had. It was incredibly intellectually stimulating- which is just the kind of coffee conversation I like. One particular thought that has stuck with me is the idea of how sometimes we relate to God as a male. I can definitely see some fatherly aspects in God’s character…but I struggle with this concept because it puts so much undue pressure on my earthly father to eminate these characteristics. I wish there was more dialogue and inturn further discourse created around the ‘motherly’ characteristics of God. Because to be honest…I relate to these characterestics more easily. And it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this and let myself think this way…as I know that it’s breaking the mould slightly and putting myself out there as some ‘weird feminist’. All the same, I’m allowing myself to be open to explore this concept more.

Chatting today also reminded me of how much I miss writing and preparing sermons. Having moved to a much bigger church I haven’t had the opportunity to get involved in preaching or any teaching. I feel almost a bit deadened or numb to it- I don’t seem to get inspiration for random sermon topics in the shower anymore. I wonder if it was a season that’s simply ended…or just lying dormant.

Either way, got lots to think about!

The last few times I’ve caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I have not recognised myself. I see a different person compared to who I feel I am at the moment. It’s scary and unnerving.

I’m not sure if it is because I’ve been sick, or from my very odd reaction to taking sudafed last night, or because I’m sprinting full speed towards something that jolly well does not, can not and will not ever exist.

It is not well with my soul.

I desperately desire to have the gift of hospitality and serving. I find it however, like pulling teeth that will not budge. Being in a situation where I am serving food and drinks, needing to be friendly to random strangers and friends alike as well as being under time pressure tends to cause a brain melting sensation. I involuntarily slow down all mentally functioning capabilties and seem to be able to focus solely on one small task at a time. Those who worked with me in Revive are probably having light bulbs go off in their head at this moment…as they’ve realised why it was I turned into a different person behind the kitchen bench! There was however one evening when I felt released a little bit from this paralysis, and went to the other extreme of dancing and singing in the kitchen while serving people. I haven’t had that much fun in a very long time! But yes…sadly for the majority of the time, hospitality is not something that comes easily to me no matter how much I crave to be good at it.

So, this year’s soul was very different to any other. I don’t regret at all helping out, but it did mean that I wasn’t able to participate as fully as I’m used to in the seminars and main sessions. In a funny way this took away some of the unconscious pressure I put on myself to have mega life changing realisations and experiences during the camp. Instead, I was there with a purpose and any subsequent personal experiences were just that…they were additional unexpected things. I was fortunate enough to be able to have some time off to get to two of Stephen Said’s seminars. If I’d known what I’d learn in one short hour each time I walked in I think I wouldn’t armed my head with padding for all the brain knocking-about I was going to receive.

I don’t want to give any of the glory that God deserves to some mere human being…but I must say just how much I really gelled with the respect the way this guy’s mind works. Coming from a health sociology background myself it was incredibly exciting to have someone explain some of the most taken for granted and mis-used Biblical texts from a sociopolitical viewpoint. It was just WOW. Passages I’d read hundreds of times took on completely new and fantastically relevant meanings! I spoke to a pastor at my church who I have tremendous respect for about these ideas, and asked him just where could I get the version of the Bible that Steve has?!!! As I suspected…it does take a few years of Bible college to get that sort of in depth knowledge, but I’m planning on starting with some good commentaries first to build my way up (I also currently don’t have the funds to launch into any sort of Bible college activities yet *sigh* but one day!). One thing this pastor from church told me was how as exciting as it can be to analyse the political context of every verse in the Bible, it is vital not to let this take away from the penetrating elements of God’s grace and mercy etc etc. Which I understand and respect. But to know that there is more than just that, and to know that I can actually marry my love of sociology with reading the Bible without fear of being condemned (I don’t know where this idea in my head came from…but it was there and I didn’t even know it) is a very freeing feeling!

So as well as the amazing intellectual stimulation I received in those two short hours at Soul, it also penetrated through to my heart a little. One thing that Steve said (haha…a pun over used I’m quite convinced…but haha worthy anyway), was that God doesn’t just want our sacrifice. He wants our obedience. Oh and how different are those two things!! Whoa that was a wake-up call. Another thing that was spoken about was how even though we are saved by faith and not by works, we will be judged by how we respond the widows, the orphans and the poor. Suddenly my ‘vocation’ becomes a lot more meaningful and purposeful. I study the impact of inequitable Government policies on single parents (some of whom are widows…but all of whom pretty much are in poverty), and to think that I could actually contribute my little ‘bit’ to the Kingdom of God through my work is a very exciting concept. This concept is certainly not new to me; one of the main reasons why I’m heading where I’m heading in my line of work is because I passionately feel that there is a need and an issue that I want to bring change to. However having the reminder couldn’t have come at a better time when I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless at what I’m doing for work. I still don’t feel good enough…and perhaps I never will. But knowing that I’m at least trying to be obedient to what God might want me to be doing is enough to keep me plodding through the dish-pig academic jobs for now.

All this has also given me some inspiration for a possible Phd. The very vague, out-there, potentially completely crazy idea that I could somehow combine this notion of the sociology of poverty in Jesus’ time to how it’s perceived/constructed today. It gives me shivers just to type that. Whether something so idealistic could ever be pulled off doesn’t particularly bother me so much at the moment though…as I’m content to be kicking little goals in this general direction for…well forever really.

I’ve realised as I finish this post that my title really has little to do with my content. But in a way…it’s simply representative of what God’s teaching me at the moment. That he’s greedy, and wants more from me than I’m ever willing to give him at any given time. But despite my pride, gluttony and selfishness…he still holds his hand out asking for more. And I love that about Him.

See…I sort of have a problem with this idea. Firstly, all my life I have wanted to be ‘good at’ what I do. The mini-me on my shoulder weilding the whip certainly always instills that in me anyway. So as a consequence…I’m not the best when it comes to faking something. I have no such thing as a poker face…and if I’m out of my depth I do a good job at showing it. Standing in front of my class this morning being asked a question that a) I didn’t understand one of the words they used and b) I wouldn’t have known where to begin in answering it, I felt completely out of my depth and like a failure. Except the thing is that I have studied these topics before, and I had read the readings before class, so it got me thinking- all those tutors I looked up to as ‘experts’- were they faking it? Or just simply smart?

With dancing it seems that sometimes I feel that I look more awkward than a 5 year old who needs desperately to go to the toilet and is standing on one leg, yet my teacher might say ‘that was graceful’. Other times I can be channelling Strictly Ballroom and imagine myself in some feathery fluoro outfit out on a dance floor, and my teacher will have nothing but ‘hmm…straighten your legs, turn out your feet and head up’.

It’s one of those things in life that drives me crazy…and leaves me craving feedback to the point that it’s not longer healthy. If I asked all of my students about whether they gelled with my tutoring style or understood what I was saying, I’d probably be too scared to stand up in front of them ever again. Perhaps I’m just lacking confidence, or maybe tutoring isn’t my thing. But I want so much to be good at it! *sigh*.

I haven’t left the house today. Not once. My lungs must be crying out for some fresh air. But it’s now 1.30 am…hardly an appropriate time to go for a stroll. I’ve been sick for two weeks now and it’s really taking its toll on my body clock.

This week is going to be super busy. Starting a new job- helping to write some chapters of the yr 12 health and human development text book. Which should be fun. It’s the kind of thing I’ve aspired to do…and now that I’m actually doing it it’s like ‘oh yeah…that thing’. Well I shouldn’t talk it up more than it really is. My name won’t go on it- even though I’ll be collecting the information and summarising it. The person who puts it together will be the only known author as far as anyone is concerned. Kinda disappointing really…maybe it’ll be me one day. Who knows. But yeah the odd thing is that it suddenly doesn’t seem as much of a success marker as I used to make such things out to be.

I’ve just had a friend over and we were discussing male/female relationships. As usual with us…it turned into a bit of a ‘men suck’ rant. But the sad thing is that I’ve just grown so tired recently of the issue being constantly in my face. I either want to be content and partnered or content and single. None of this in between messiness. None of this always feeling the need to be surveying the field. It’s doing my head in. And making me feel like something I’m not- I’ve never let the existence of the opposite sex get under my skin so much anyway. There. That’s how I feel. Sick of it!

I saw someone at work the other day with a t.shirt that read ‘I make friends offline’. I love it! I almost went up to him and commented…but thought that was silly so I didn’t. I’d like to think I make my friends offline too…although I realise the possibility for deepening some friendships to an extent through an online medium. Either way- I was impressed.

I’ve been so devoid of human contact today. I feel quite unfulfilled…and that’s unusual. I usually go through the day content and happy with my own company. But not today. Maybe cos I’ve been sick and stuck inside it’s been deafeningly obvious that I’m lonely and want company. *pfft*- pity party for one!

My peace lily is flowering. Goodnight.

I think I just went through a period of not wanting to write anything down. I just realised I haven’t blogged since I finished my honours thesis! That was months ago. But anyway, a quick update in the life of me. Honours is finished. While there are still some loose ends to tie up which I will not go into due to the nature of the internet, I guess I’m officially done and I graduate in April. I’m aiming to write it up as a journal article and publish it before too long. The idea of being a ‘published academic’ is completely foreign and not something I’ve ever particularly strived for, and yet at the same time it’ll be great for boosting future career opportunities. I’ve been working as a research assistant and all in all I quite enjoy it. I’m managing a study that I actually care about which certainly helps when I have days full of data entry! I can almost call Microsoft Access my friend. Wow- I never imagined the day coming.

I’ve been on a few short holidays/weekends away which have been fun, although sometimes I feel like I come home for the holiday! I’ve even started reading again- novels that is- not text books! It’s been good and terrible all at the same time. I wish I could read a chapter of a novel at at time, put it away and then get about my daily activities. But no, I have to become completely engrossed in the story, struggle to put it down and then when I do I walk around on another planet for a good hour before I land back in reality. My dreams also change when I’m reading more. Often they become even more bizarre than usual. Just the other night I dreamt I was a man. And in my dream I found myself analysing the behaviour of girls from a whole new perspective! It was frightening! I woke up feeling quite odd.

Last week a very close friend of mine got engaged, and to my complete shock asked me to be her maid of honour! I certainly do feel honoured. I think the whole experience will be fun and challenging. Challenging in that I keep finding myself attempting to plan my own non-existant wedding and living vicariously through her!! I’m already dreaming up ideas about a fun hens night I can organise.

Sorry this post has been so dull in terms of actual content. It’s hard to jump straight back into blogging after such an extensive blog-drought!

Yesterday was a massive productive day which was fantastic, although it also included losing some work because I’m so pararnoid about saving the same document in multiple places that somehow I lost the jolly thing. Fortunately I’d saved the individual elements of the document as well and just had to put them back together *phew!*. As well as that there seems to be some sort of virus on my little flash drive stick and I can’t transfer anything off it. So! I’m trying my best not to panic…but I’m hoping and praying that it either miraculously starts working again or I can somehow hook this laptop up to a printer when it comes time to print everything.

I’m feeling a little bit strange. This entire year of uni has been dedicated to next Wednesday and all of a sudden it’s very close. While I’m very happy about the fact that I’m ahead of schedule- I most certainly need to be if my supervisor decides next Tues to re-structure my thesis as happened when the mid-year lit review was due. Looking back it was the best thing she could’ve done…but my nerves have a memory and DO NOT want to go through that again! haha.

So not only am I mentally preparing myself to finish this year’s work in a matter of days, I now also have the prospect of full-time employment very soon after! For months I’ve been contemplating/stressing about having 4 months of ‘holidays’ while still surviving on very little paid work. However last week I was offered a research assistant position at uni starting a week and a half after I hand my thesis in. Of course I took it straight away as it’s my foot in the door to future work as a lecturer/policy advisor or wherever I’m led. BUT!!! 5 days a week?? It’ll be 4 days at uni and I’ve been able to keep my one shift at my existing work which is nice as a backup. But I’ve never worked 5 days a week in my life!! It’s a rather daunting prospect . I realise many people may scoff about now and make some comment like ‘eesh have you never lived in the real world?’ and I would quite honestly reply…’no actually- I’ve been safely cocooned in the comfort that is the education lifestyle that has defined my existence every year since I was 5′.

So yes…life is changing rather drastically. And recently I’ve felt just so looked after. While I’ve been quite sick for a while and had mini-disasters plague this entire year, I’ve also had prayers- small and big- answered left right and centre. It’s good.

Anyway…recently I completed my bronze medals (the easiest level in ballroom) in both Latin American and New Vogue styles. For Latin I received a Highly Commended Pass (86-90%) and for NV I received a High Distinction (90-95%). I was super happy- I don’t dance to get good marks and after a few stuff ups in my exam I was going to be happy with a pass…so I was pleasantly surprised . One of my adjudicators even wrote on the bottom of my sheet that I am ‘a diamond that just needs a little polish’ haha. I find it all a bit funny really- I dance for fun and exercise… not to compete or be judged.

The best thing about doing these medal things is that after the stress of being adjudicated they have these ‘Cabaret nights’ where you go and dance your feet off for a good 5 hours straight and you’re presented with your little trophy and marks. So last Saturday night I went to Cabaret night expecting to have a break from study and do my best to dance so much that I could barely walk anymore (aim well and truely acheived…which was to be expected :p). Anyway at one stage of the night I was sitting (not by choice…but because we had to sit down while they did some speeches etc) and I was half chatting with a friend/half staring at the ceiling in the big dance studio we were at when all of a sudden my name was called out. Those two words took a few seconds to register in my head and after some firm nudges from the person sitting next to me and a ‘Ruth! Get up- they called your name!’ I tentatively stood up, made sure my dress was in tact (it’d been giving me some grief the whole evening) and made my very nervous shuffle across the massive dance floor up to the front. Turns out I’d been selected to win the ‘Bronze Achiever Award’ for the best dancer in my level for the term. I was super amazed/bewhildered/excited and beaming from ear to ear and giggling profusely all at the same time. I didn’t even know that such an award existed so the surprise was the best part of it.

I should probably explain the Logies reference. The thing with this Bronze Achiever award is that it makes me a nominee for an ‘Aurora Award’- try saying that 5 times quickly!! But yes anyway I’d go to this big night and kind of like the Brownlow count, the Bronze Achievers from across the terms would be voted for and one would win overall. Thing is, apparently you can’t win unless you go, and the tickets are a ‘meager’ $155 each for the night. Which includes a 3 course meal and in my case I’d most likely be paying for everyone else’s alcohol. One of the other ‘perks’ is having a red-carpet interview at 4pm before the night begins. It all sounds very flash and over-rated and to be honest…not at all how I’d want to spend $155. Fortunately I’ll be enjoying the beach at Philip Island that weekend anyway so I had a great excuse why I couldn’t go hehe.

Anyway that’s my exciting story for the week. Back to thesis-ing…and dreaming about dancing.